Ruin The Page

Dear One,

I love how gifts of change can show up in the most unexpected places.

Angst ( I am pronouncing it the German way) – Ängst as the Americans say, Angst is a German word, it means fear: ich habe Angst – I am afraid.  It contracts me, it has me hold my breath, it ruins my flow, the precious flow connected to life force and creativity.

This pressure to be the good, to be the best, to excel  – in what and for whom, to prove, to prove what and to whom.

My writing coach explains the assignment: “Ruin the page!”

It’s not easy to consciously ruin the page. Again my mind and ego wants to fulfill the task properly rather than allow creativity to flow out of me.

Ja, Angst! Angst really stops enjoyment doesn’t it.

I have been a good girl for such a long time, ruinig the page sounds almost strange and foreign to me. I don’t ruin things, I like to beautify them.

Although ruining sounds adventurous. Am I stepping into a territory that is forbidden?

Forbidden – aaaaa, how freeing. Forbidden like sinful and I feel ashamed and ridden with guilt? Or forbidden like an elixir of truth, a voice that has been stifled for so long and can finally start to express herself.

Then I remember: I like to break the rules. Especially when I know them.

I once played this game Jenga with a friend and his kids. I swear I remembered the rules differently. They kept telling me: “Joya, you have to put 3 wood pieces together as you grow the tower.

And I said: “No you don’t!” So every time it was my turn I did it MY way.

“Joya, you have to do it this way, that is the right way,” the girl would said with great dismay.

“Says who?” I challenged her. The kids were getting stressed out. Even their dad kept pestering me about this one correct rule of how the game is played.

“Where did you read this? I remember it differently when we played it last time.” I’d respond.

“Yes, but….”, I heard a lot.

And suddenly I felt this internal grin. Ha, she had kicked in. The one that did not want to be the good girl anymore, the one that might know the rules and goes against them just to see what happens.

So I looked at my group of players and said: “I get it and you know what – you can also find YOUR way and see what happens. It might work or not, and you will only find out by allowing yourself to cross the line.”

In that moment it did not matter to me if anybody liked me or my choices.

I had taken Angst for a walk and replaced it with Boldness.

Her breath is bigger and wider and she likes to break through. She does not care if it’s right, good or perfect. She is able to deal with mess.

Boldness can allow herself to ruin the page with paint smeared allover it.

My Gift:

I notice when there is fear. I pay attention if the good girl runs the show. And I have more rendezvous’ with Boldness.

Dear Reader, what does Boldness mean to you? Have you ever dared, small or big? Dared somebody else? And how did you feel?

sending tons of COUR-age,


©Joya P Gallasch/